Shortly before our wedding, someone gave me and my husband this advice: “Marriage is good. It’s hard—and sometimes you’ll want out, but it’s worth it.” I remember thinking that was an odd thing to say to a couple about to get married. It seemed like such a bleak view of marriage.
Since then, I’ve heard plenty of other people say similar things to engaged and newlywed couples. I’ve heard pastors say it during weddings. I’ve heard parents say it at receptions. I’ve heard couples say it within a year of their own weddings. I’ve seen marriage books, blog posts, magazine articles and anniversary posts on social media say it: Marriage is hard.
People tend to say and write this phrase as if it’s a given, a known and indisputable fact. They say it to warn newlyweds about what they’re getting into: It won’t all be a fairytale. They say it to encourage and reassure one another: We have rough patches, too. They say it to make sure they’re not the only ones: Marriage is hard, am I right?
But when I see or hear those words, I don’t feel understood, and I don’t feel relieved. The phrase frustrates me. Instead of saying “Yes, me too,” I have to ask, “Is it really?”
This is not to say that there aren’t broken relationships. This is not to say that anyone is doing it wrong. And this is not to say that we shouldn’t share our struggles or seek help when we need it. We should be honest and vulnerable with one another about our experiences. But we should also choose our words carefully.
Read more on Relevant Magazine
